Say It Out Loud

From the Road

Last week I was between patients when my phone started going off. Calls from a number I didn't know, then a text. "This is his girlfriend. Call me, it's an emergency." I expected bad news. I did not expect to hear that a friend was gone, that he had taken his own life. I had just checked in with him on Sunday.

The View

Here is what has been sitting on my chest. We talked. He had people. He had a buddy who called. And we still did not know how far down he was. That is the part nobody says out loud. A man can be loved, can have friends, can be at the table on Sunday, and still have nowhere to put the truth, because the script tells him the cost of saying it is looking weak in front of the people whose respect he needs most. So he carries it alone in a room full of friends.

My friend was loved. He was not alone. And it still was not enough on its own. The words we reach for at times like this, you are not alone, you are loved, this too shall pass, they are all true. And they slide right off when you are down there. So they cannot just be nice words we nod at. They have to be something we do. The view from up here is that we lose too many good men quietly. Let's be louder.

Worth Your Time

Two moves, depending on which side of this you are on. If you are the one carrying something heavy, say the real thing to one person today. Don't make them guess. You are enough exactly as you are, mess and all, and nothing is permanent, including the lows. If you are the friend, ask the second question. When he says "I'm fine," don't take it. Ask again, and mean it.

And if the weight is too much to hold right now, you do not have to hold it alone. Call or text 988, any time, day or night. Someone is there.

On the Nightstand

"Research teaches us that the capacity to reach out to others for help in dealing with fear and pain is the best single remedy for emotional injury. Whether the person is struggling with the effects of combat, rape, or childhood injury, the best predictor of trauma resolution is good social support."

— Terrence Real, I Don't Want to Talk About It

I think every man should read this book. It puts words to everything I have been trying to say here, that the silence is the danger and reaching out is the way back.

One Question

Who is one person you love that you have not told lately? Tell them today. Out loud.

And if you just want to let out some steam, reply to this one. I read them all.

Take care of each other,
Dr. Tony

P.S. If someone you know needs this, forward it to them.